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From Raising Digital Initiatives 9/26/2014
Helping Kids
Manage the New Rules of Digital Etiquette
As
technologies evolve, so do the rules of etiquette. While you might be confident
about teaching your kids etiquette in the real world, you may feel that it’s
more of a challenge in the online world. It takes some time to learn the new
rules, and they seem to change every time a new platform emerges.
As
I mentioned in my last post, our kids are more isolated from adult
communication today because so much of our peer communication takes place in a
private, not public, setting. Email or text messages are sent and received out
of “public” view, leaving fewer opportunities for kids to get etiquette cues
from you—or other adults.
There’s
another layer of complexity, too. Just because you exist in social spheres like
your kids do, it doesn’t mean that the rules are the same for them as they are
for you. So what can you do to learn the rules, together with your child?
Shrinking
the scope
Where
do kids learn digital etiquette? Though social media is a worldwide community
(Twitter, Facebook, Instagram), kids are getting their social training in much
smaller communities (home, their friends, in the classroom). In many ways,
social media at home or in-class blogs are ideal spaces to learn about social
media etiquette, and can serve as great training wheels. It offers an accepting
environment where a knowledgeable adult can help kids understand when they make
communication errors, and help kids make repairs when they offend one another
or miss important cues about how to respond. A community where people interact
both online and offline is a great way to learn the new rules of digital
etiquette.
“Friending”
is a huge pressure for kids. This pressure can lead them into making poor
decisions. For instances, they often feel that they have to agree to
“follow” or “like” something, even if they don’t. Kids I’ve interviewed say
that they are really difficult and uncomfortable to NOT accept a Friend
Request or to ask a peer to take down (or untag) a photo.
What
can you do to help? To open the conversation, you can
say, “I got a Facebook request today from someone I went to high school
with—but we barely even knew each other.” This gives you the opportunity to let
your kids know that it’s OK to ignore the request—that they have a choice in
the matter. To be more prescriptive, try giving them an informal limit on the
number of people that can follow them initially. Instagram works well as a
model for this. This will teach them how to be selective about their social
sphere.
Sharing
social circles
Surprise!
Your networks are already connected. You have to remember—and
respect—the ways that your own network indirectly corresponds with theirs.
For
example, if your 8-year-old has a crush and you think it is cute, you can share
the story offline with your best friend (out for coffee, for instance) without
too much risk of embarrassing your child. But if you share the same story
online (Facebook or e-mail), you risk wider exposure in unanticipated ways. Not
only that, but your kids are learning from your interactions. Your mistakes
today could become their mistakes in the future.
What
can you do to help? Ask their permission to share.
Whether it’s pictures of your kids or news about them, get their permission
first. It shows them very clearly that they have control over their social
space. Treat anything that enters their “Friend World” as THEIRS—not yours.
Even oblique references to their social dramas should stay out of your Facebook
feed. Even in person, this is a good rule. It pays to respect privacy. But the
online world is more volatile, and you certainly don’t want your teen’s first
bra or awkward crush to be community news.
Their
friends are not your friends
I
can’t emphasize this enough—don’t “friend” your kids’ friends. At least don’t
initiate the connection. Nothing annoys kids more than this. They need to feel
some control over managing these relationships, and you don’t want to take that
feeling of control away from them. But what if your child’s friend “follows” or
“friends” you first?
What
can you do to help? Again, ask your child directly.
This can be tricky territory, so give them some control over it. Keep in mind
that their world is different from yours. Some kids change friends quickly,
though they don’t always dump the digital connection—even when they don’t sit
together at lunch anymore. Adults can relate to this, but the pace and churn of
adult relationships is generally slower. Whether or not your kid allows you to
be friends with one of their schoolmates will give you an indicator of how
important that relationship is—and opens a door into their world for you. For
instance, if your child tells you 6 weeks from now that you should “unfriend”
someone, you have clues to her social life that you wouldn’t see otherwise.
Their
teachers are not your friends–or theirs
Maybe
this is obvious, but don’t “friend” their teachers, occupational therapists,
camp counselors, or youth group leaders. These connections belong to them,
not to you. For example, your child spends 6 hours a day with her fifth grade
teacher. There’s little ambiguity that your child hold the primary relationship
with her teacher, even if you are friends outside the classroom.
For
the most part, your child shouldn’t be connected on social media with these
folks either. Do you really want to kid to see everything his karate teacher
posts to Instagram?
What
can you do to keep boundaries clear and appropriate?
The biggest complication is when who holds the “primary” relationship is
ambiguous—when your child’s guidance counselor or teacher’s aide is already your
friend. Just be cautious and thoughtful.
Another
note about teachers and social media: Many schools get worried that
parents are discussing teachers online, or posting anonymously on Great Schools
or Rate My Teachers. Sites of this type can be useful for a more honest,
parent-level opinion. But comments can drift towards the extremes. And “Rate My
Teacher” is feedback that is totally out of context. Consider if you would want
anonymous, public rating of your work.
The
bottom line: take it offline. Especially when class placements come
out—talk in person. And model appropriate boundaries and non-gossipy behavior
for your children.
Being
“friends” with your teen
The
best way to help your child manage these issues is to be close to her—in the
same spaces. But if your teen agrees to “friend” you, (or if you make this a
condition of being on social media) take this show of trust very seriously, and
be a good friend. Don’t make yourself too present. Don’t be seen or
comment too often. Don’t share their news before they do (or at all.) Don’t be
surprised if they find it “creepy” that you brought up something that
they shared, even though it was public.
What
can you do to help? “Like” the things you are safe to
like. Or talk about it face to face. Find an opportunity to remind them
verbally that you saw something on their Instagram feed, which will serve as a
gentle reminder to your child that you are part of her “public.” As Danah Boyd
points out, kids share to their own concept of a public, those readers, friends
or followers that are on their minds at the moment—or the ones sharing a
particular experience. The danger lies in that they are probably not
considering their whole network every time they share. Lurk more and say
less, unless of course something you see demands your attention.
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www.amazon.com/author/paulbabicki
If you would like to listen to experts in all aspects of Netiquette and communication, try my radio show on BlogtalkRadio and an online newsletter via paper.li.I have established Netiquette discussion groups with Linkedin and Yahoo. I am also a member of the International Business Etiquette and Protocol Group and Minding Manners among others. I regularly consult for the Gerson Lehrman Group, a worldwide network of subject matter experts and I have been contributing to the blogs Everything Email and emailmonday . My work has appeared in numerous publications and I have presented to groups such as The Breakfast Club of NJ Rider University and PSG of Mercer County New Jersey.
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