9 phrases smart people never use
in conversation
By Travis Bradberry May 5, 2017 www.theladders.com
We’ve all said
things that people interpreted much differently than we thought they would.
These seemingly benign comments lead to the awful feeling that only comes when
you’ve planted your foot firmly into your mouth.
Verbal slip-ups
often occur because we say things without knowledge of the subtle implications
they carry. Understanding these implications requires social awareness —
the ability to pick up on the emotions and experiences of other people.
TalentSmart
has tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and
discovered that social awareness is a skill in which many of us are lacking.
We lack social
awareness because we’re so focused on what we’re going to say next — and how
what other people are saying affects us — that we completely lose sight of
other people.
This is a
problem because people are complicated. You can’t hope to understand someone
until you focus all of your attention in his or her direction.
The beauty of
social awareness is that a few simple adjustments to what you say can vastly
improve your relationships with other people.
To that end,
there are some phrases that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid
in casual conversation. The following phrases are nine of the worst offenders.
You should avoid them at all costs.
1. “You look tired”
Tired people
are incredibly unappealing — they have droopy eyes and messy hair, they have
trouble concentrating, and they’re as grouchy as they come. Telling someone he
looks tired implies all of the above and then some.
Instead say: “Is everything okay?”
Most people ask
if someone is tired because they’re intending to be helpful (they want to know
if the other person is okay). Instead of assuming someone’s disposition, just
ask. This way, he can open up and share. More importantly, he will see you as
concerned instead of rude.
2. “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Once again, a
well-meaning comment—in this case a compliment—creates the impression that
you’re being critical. Telling someone that she has lost a lot of weight
suggests that she used to look fat or unattractive.
Instead say:
“You look fantastic.”
This one is an
easy fix. Instead of comparing how she looks now to how she used to look, just
compliment her for looking great. It takes the past right out of the picture.
3. “You were too good for her anyway”
When someone
severs ties with a relationship of any type, personal or professional, this
comment implies he has bad taste and made a poor choice in the first place.
Instead say: “Her loss!”
This provides
the same enthusiastic support and optimism without any implied criticism.
4. “You always . . .” or “You never . . .”
No one always
or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you
shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. These phrases make people defensive
and closed off to your message, which is a really bad thing because you likely
use these phrases when you have something important to discuss.
Instead say: Simply point out what the other person did that’s a
problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an
issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do
this often enough for me to notice.”
5. “You look great for your age”
Using “for
your” as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and rude. No one
wants to be smart for an athlete or in good shape relative to other people who
are also knocking on death’s door. People simply want to be smart and fit.
Instead say:
“You look great.”
This one is
another easy fix. Genuine compliments don’t need qualifiers.
6. “As I said before . . .”
We all forget
things from time to time. This phrase makes it sound as if you’re insulted at
having to repeat yourself, which is hard on the recipient (someone who is
genuinely interested in hearing your perspective).
Getting
insulted over having to repeat yourself suggests that either you’re insecure or
you think you’re better than everyone else (or both!). Few people who use this
phrase actually feel this way.
Instead say: When you say it again, see what you can do to convey the
message in a clearer and more interesting manner. This way they’ll remember
what you said.
7. “Good luck”
This is a
subtle one. It certainly isn’t the end of the world if you wish someone good
luck, but you can do better because this phrase implies that they need luck to
succeed.
Instead say: “I know you have what it takes.”
This is better
than wishing her luck because suggesting that she has the skills needed to
succeed provides a huge boost of confidence. You’ll stand out from everyone
else who simply wishes her luck.
8. “It’s up to you” or “Whatever you want”
While you may
be indifferent to the question, your opinion is important to the person asking
(or else he wouldn’t have asked you in the first place).
Instead say: “I don’t have a strong opinion either way, but a
couple things to consider are . . .”
When you offer
an opinion (even without choosing a side), it shows that you care about the
person asking.
9. “Well at least I’ve never ___”
This phrase is
an aggressive way to shift attention away from your mistake by pointing out an
old, likely irrelevant mistake the other person made (and one you should have
forgiven her for by now).
Instead say: “I’m sorry.”
Owning up to
your mistake is the best way to bring the discussion to a more rational, calm
place so that you can work things out. Admitting guilt is an amazing way to
prevent escalation.
