There are a number of terms for the exchange offensive emails, among them flame Wars. I write about these extensively in my book, noted below and also with this blog. Below is some wonderful advice for avoiding these situations.
The Cure for Nasty Emails
Dressing someone down via email is
tempting because it's easy--you have plenty of time to dream up daggers that
strike straight to the heart.
By Travis
Bradberry
We've
all been on the receiving end of a scathing email, as well as its mysterious,
vaguely insulting cousins. You know the messages I'm referring to. They don't
need exclamation points or all caps to teem with anger and drip with sarcasm.
Dressing someone down via email is tempting
because it's easy--you have plenty of time to dream up daggers that strike
straight to the heart, and you lack the inhibition that would be present were
the recipient staring you in the face.
This type of email is known in cyberspace
as "flaming," and all such messages have a single thing in common--a
complete and utter lack of emotional intelligence (EQ).
A recent survey (sponsored by
communications device manufacturer Plantronics) found that 83 percent of today's
work force consider email to be more critical to their success than any
other form of communication.
Email has been around long enough that
you'd think we'd all be pros at using it to communicate effectively. But we're
human, and--if you think about it--we haven't mastered face-to-face
communication, either.
The bottom line is that we could all use a
little help. The five strategies that follow are proven methods for keeping
your emotions within reason, so that you don't hit Send while your emails,
tweets, comments, and chime-ins are still flaming.
1. Follow Honest Abe's First Rule of
Netiquette
I know what you're thinking: How could
someone who died more than a century before the internet existed teach us about
email etiquette?
Well, in Lincoln's younger years, he had a
bad habit of applying his legendary wit when writing insulting letters to, and
about, his political rivals. But after one particularly scathing letter led a
rival to challenge Lincoln to a duel, Lincoln learned a valuable lesson: Words
impact the receiver in ways that the sender can't completely fathom.
By the time he died, Lincoln had amassed
stacks of flaming letters that verbally shredded his rivals and subordinates
for their boneheaded mistakes--because Lincoln never sent them. He vented his
frustration on paper, and then stuffed that sheet away in a drawer. The
following day, the full intensity of his emotions having subsided, he wrote and
sent a much more congenial and conciliatory letter.
We can all benefit from learning to do the
same with email. Your emotions are a valid representation of how you feel--no
matter how intense-- but that doesn't mean that acting on them in the moment
serves you well. Go ahead and vent--tap out your anger and frustration on the keyboard.
Save the draft, and come back to it later when you've cooled down. By then,
you'll be rational enough to edit the message and pare down the parts that
burn, or--even better--rewrite the kind of message that you want to be
remembered by.
2. Know the Limits of Virtual Humor
Some people show their displeasure by
typing words in ALL CAPS or using a barrage of exclamation points.
Others, however, express dissatisfaction more subtly, with sarcasm and satire.
The latter is no less of a breakdown in the core EQ skill of self-management,
and it can be even more dangerous because it's harder to detect when you're
doing it. The sender can always convince him- or herself that the spite was
just a little joke.
While a little good-natured ribbing can sometimes
help lighten face-to-face interaction--interaction with an arsenal of facial
expressions and voice inflections to help you to convey the right tone--it's
almost never a good idea to have a laugh at someone else's expense online.
Online, your message can too easily be
misinterpreted without your body language to help to explain it, and you won't
be there to soften the blow when your joke doesn't go over as intended. In the
virtual world, it's best to err on the side of friendliness and professionalism.
For those times when you absolutely cannot resist using humor, just make sure
that you are the butt of the joke.
3. Remember That People Online Are Still
People
While entranced by the warm glow of a
computer monitor, it's sometimes difficult to remember that a living, breathing
human being will end up reading your message. Psychologist John Suler of Rider
University has found that people who are communicating online experience a
"disinhibition effect." Lacking the real-time feedback between
sender and receiver that takes place in face-to-face and telecommunication, we
simply don't worry as much about offending people online.
We don't have to experience the discomfort
of watching someone else grow confused, despondent, or angry because of
something we said. When these natural consequences are delayed, we tend to
spill onto the screen whatever happens to be on our mind.
Averting such messages requires you to be intentional
in applying your social awareness skills. Without being able to physically see
the other person's body language or hear the tone of his or her voice, you must
picture the recipient in your mind and imagine what the person might feel when
reading your message as it's been written.
In fact, the next time you receive a curt
or outright rude email, put the brakes on before firing back a retort. Taking
the time to imagine the sender and consider where he or she is coming
from is often enough to extinguish the flames before they get out of control.
Could the sender have misinterpreted a
previous message that you sent him or her? Could the person just be having a
bad day, or be under a lot of pressure? Even when the other party is in the
wrong, spending a moment on the other side of the monitor will give you the
perspective you need to avoid escalating the situation.
4. Know How the Internet Feels
Emoticons have a mixed reputation in the
business world. Some people and even organizations believe that smiley faces,
winks, and other symbols of digital emotion are unprofessional, undignified,
and have no place outside of a high school hallway.
However, a Dutch
research team has shown that emoticons, when used
properly, can effectively enhance the desired tone of a message. The team,
led by Daantje Derks at the Open University of the Netherlands, concluded that
"to a large extent, emoticons serve the same functions as actual nonverbal
behavior." Considering that nonverbal behavior accounts for between 70 and
90 percent of a message when communicating face to face, it's time to ditch the
stigma attached to emoticons in the business setting.
For those leery of dropping a smiley face
into the next email, I'm not suggesting that you smile, wink, and frown your
way through every email you write. Just don't be afraid to peck out a quick the next time you want to be certain that
the recipient is aware of your tongue planted firmly in cheek.
5. Know When Online Chats Need to Become
Offline Discussions
Managing online relationships will always
be a somewhat difficult task for people built to communicate in person.
However, managing critical email conversations is even more difficult for those
programmed to communicate via email. Significant, lengthy, and heated email
exchanges are almost always better taken offline and finished in person.
With so much communication via email these
days, it can be hard to pull the trigger and initiate a face-to-face
conversation when you sense that an interaction is becoming too heated or
difficult to do well online. Online technologies have become enormously useful
for increasing the speed and efficiency of communication, but they have a long
way to go before they become the primary source for creating and maintaining
quality human relationships.
Bringing It All Together
Email is a challenging way to communicate
strong emotions. I look forward to reading about your experiences and
strategies in the Comments section.
From Inc.com Published on: Apr 9, 2015=================================================================================================
Another Special Announcement - Tune in to my radio interview, on Rider University's station, www.1077thebronc.com I discuss my recent book, above on "Your Career Is Calling", hosted by Wanda Ellett.
www.amazon.com/author/paulbabicki
In addition to this blog, I maintain a radio show on BlogtalkRadio and an online newsletter via paper.li.I have established Netiquette discussion groups with Linkedin and Yahoo. I am also a member of the International Business Etiquette and Protocol Group and Minding Manners among others. I regularly consult for the Gerson Lehrman Group, a worldwide network of subject matter experts and I have been contributing to the blogs Everything Email and emailmonday . My work has appeared in numerous publications and I have presented to groups such as The Breakfast Club of NJ and PSG of Mercer County, NJ.
I am the president of Tabula Rosa Systems,
a “best of breed” reseller of products for communications, email,
network management software, security products and professional
services. Also, I am the president of Netiquette IQ. We are currently developing an email IQ rating system, Netiquette IQ, which promotes the fundamentals outlined in my book.
Over the past twenty-five years, I have enjoyed a dynamic and successful career and have attained an extensive background in IT and electronic communications by selling and marketing within the information technology marketplace.Anyone who would like to review the book and have it posted on my blog or website, please contact me paul@netiquetteiq.com.
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